Forever loved...

For the past couple of weeks, things have been so stressful and overwhelming. All the crying, fear, anxiousness, not knowing what’s going to happen next, I feel so tied down physically and emotionally. So exhausted.

How do you cope when people you are so used to, people who were always around you suddenly disappears, leaving you with nothingness left to hold onto?

For me, I’d bawl my eyes out, then think back of the good times we had together, reminisce about the funny things they used to do or say, go to the places we used to spend time at, smile and think about all those times we had together…

My beloved grandmother passed away on the 23rd of August, 2005. Warm, loving and caring, she was and will always be loved by all. Two weeks ago, she was admitted into hospital as she was suffering from pneumonia. She had to go to the hospital for so many reasons, for so many times, but she always managed to make it. I expected it to be the same this time too, but I guess I was wrong. Everyone flew back to be by her side. By the time she had left us, we were all prepared, but it was heartbreaking knowing the fact that she would be leaving us soon, yet we can do nothing about it but to pray and hope that a miracle would happen. In a way, it is the ending to all the sufferings she had to go through, with all those tubes, medications and injections she’d been through.

Looking back to those times when she used to be all healthy and strong, she never failed to feed her children, grandchildren and friends. I will always remember all those hot porridge, carrot cakes and pig intestine soup she used to cook in the mornings. For her, feeding us was her way of showing her love and concern. Her kindness, patience and care is incomparable. She always used to hold our hands and stroke us gently, the warmth of her love just rushes into you instantly.

Then she fell down the stairs and damaged half of her brain. She lost her personality, her confidence and mobility. She frequently lost her temper, drowning into her frustrations of not being able to do anything on her own anymore. She used to be the kind of person who needed to work 24/7, cleaning this and that, dusting here and there, cooking and moving around all the time. I can understand how depressing and frustrating it can be to suddenly wake up the next day not being able to do anything at all. Although her personality may have changed due to the damage to her brain, she never failed to ask anyone, “Have you eaten?” her way of showing her love after the fall.

I sometimes regret not spending more time with her, not feeding her what she wanted to eat as it may affect her health and well being. I will never be able to turn back time, but I can only hope that she is happier, and she can now finally do whatever she wants again.

We all love you grandma, and we will always miss you all our life. You have finally found peace and ended your sufferings.

Love you lots grandma, missing you so damn much already...